21.30 note from a scared fire girl in a very untied place pt.1

(title inspired by tristan)

this is written on torn notebook papers
already used as a cootie catchers
my fingertips got stuck there
a lot
and i could never figure out
the right palm slapping combination
young girls sang to
ominominaominominopscot
slap slap slap slap over under sideways down

the cheerleaders were
a pack of wolves
short skirts, the colors under the pleats
flirting like gaps in fangs
they hit with these chanting games
as though they were secret spells
and jumped ropes without twisting
better than us of the sideline girls
rahrahrahrahand so and so, wink, flip
move arms,jumpupboobs,twirl and catch.

sitting on the grass
we were beyond cheers
hash marks of yardage on a football field
we tempted badness
set fire to hay with emptying everclear bottles
(true story)
threw matches into snow
scritch, sshsh shhshh pop sounds of strike
whisperblow sizzle fizzle

we solidly
didn't want to like anything
anyone else did.
we refused numbers on the backs of our shirts
and pom poms
had difficulty with letters of recommendation
our grades were average
we escaped notice
rode dirt bikes with boys
didn't giggle with archery bows
we were untied
and very very very
afraid
suspecting ideas such as
there may not be a christ after all
and the way he hangs there, all bound and bloody
kind of s&m
bloodybodybloodybondagechristonawall
no escape no exit, like sartre
like menses
christ was such a girl

we moved like shadows and not-danced to
groups like nitzer ebb and depeche mode
suspecting
in a gray hued, early u2 video about nothing changing
on new year's day
that nothing ever would
all is quiet, nothing changes, all is quiet
nothing changes, not even on new years
it's interesting how quiet nothing changes
truly a hush hush hush murmur murmur murmur
over candle marked ticks of time

swimming with aim of anonymity from small town
everyone knows everyone for year on end
under microscope
our mediocrity was about to take a big
senior leap into an even greater more invisible
yawn of meaninglessness
explained as postmodernism in college
meaninglessness without end

i still have burn marks from matches in the snow
and i hold fear as the quietness
of unchanging
crumpling papers of check like me
check not
hush hush
the wolf packs are different now
i am still untied
girl