Summer Means Memories Too Hot To Handle Malika 6/30

McKibbens Prompt #6 04.06.10

Go ahead-
Just Try to touch the Boston asphalt
In the summertime-
You’ll pull your hand back quicker than
A straight man who ventured beneath
A trannies’ miniskirt.
Summer means memories too hot to handle,
Places I shouldn’t go without supervision-
Like my head.
I can get lost in there
And never come out;
I could turn into the impatient
In-patient if I’m not careful,
And I’ve been there before.
The first thing that ever scared me
Was Men.
Maybe because Mama was a dyke,
But they just seemed so loud-
So big.
They banged their fists against walls
When they got mad,
And even though it never happened,
My little girl mind always figured that
If a man ran out of walls,
Little girls could be the next best thing…
I was quiet in their presence.
Afraid to make them angry,
I tiptoed around them like
Sleeping bears,
Fearing that if I disturbed the air
The penalty would be too great
For me to survive-
I always checked pieces of myself at the door,
Understanding from a very young age
That there was
Too much of me there
For a man to move comfortably-
I changed many things about myself
To accommodate being with you,
The craziest being my
Sexuality.
When I close my eyes and think of you
I still see a Colt-45 in a cold can,
An open container on a public street-
It’s poetic justice that when the sirens sound
It’s you they tend to stop beside.
12 was just too many steps to take,
24 were too many hours in the day to have to see your reflection.
Too many issues to handle in therapy,
Too many credits left to finish
That degree-
And I’m no longer speaking just about you-
It’s come back around to me,
And I’m still changing
To try and make myself
Fit,
Make things work.
But the one thing I will never change
Is the love I have for my Mama;
Without that, I wouldn’t even be able to recognize
Myself,
And if I let that happen,
I may as well still be with
You,
So Mama stays,
Even if the rest of me has to go.
Those blue skies that hid in my dimples
As a little girl
Got eclipsed by worry lines-
I’m too young to be
This tired,
And it’s too hot to be this mired in
Memories.
So I’ll keep letting go,
As many times as it takes for it to
Stick;
This story took too long to create
So it makes sense it won’t end quick,
But I’m still struggling to surrender,
To give up the control,
Though I relinquished my role as co-pilot
Long ago,
I still find myself in the drivers seat,
So I gotta at least pretend to steer,
To keep moving through this heat,
And if I’m not careful,
I will end up the impatient
In-patient,
I have been there before.
Summer means memories too hot to handle-
So I’ll keep letting go
As many times as it takes
For it to stick.