Saturday, April 3, 2010

Why I Don't Drink Malika 2/30

Why I Don’t Drink 04.02.10

I didn’t really drink.
Not really-
4, maybe 5 a year tops-
Certainly few enough for me to look down my
Nose at her,
To call him a stupid drunk to his
Face-
It makes me turn into
Someone Else;
Someone twisted,
Contorted like I’ve been wrung out,
Venom waiting to be spat at
The Ones who I Loved-
The Ones who Left-
I didn’t need it like they did,
So it wasn’t really a problem.
But I took the drink
Just like he did,
Even though I knew
It would ruin the night-
Just like he knew it would ruin his life.
Bitter on my tongue,
I didn’t even like the taste of it-
But I liked what it would do-
Numbness burning through me,
Committing arson to my personal tragedy-
Voice getting louder
At my best friends
Rehearsal dinner-
Provoking what I thought of as witty
Banter
With the Best Man-
Couldn’t figure out why she didn’t like me.
I turned phrases in my mouth
Like a hidden blade in my cheek-
Cutting,
Drawing blood and letting it drip
Across the fine linen,
Grinning red while I
Crushed the rose petal evening
Beneath stilettos I couldn’t walk in-
I was leaning on
Everybody-
Even if it was Their Moment
To Stand Alone
In the Spotlight-
I drained them
Like a martini glass,
An involuntary vampire
I could only watch myself from the sidelines,
Losing the game,
Blowing it for everybody,
But I couldn’t stop.
Along with his,
My self-destruction gained momentum-
If I could seduce her,
That would make me
Worth Something
Even if he didn’t want me anymore.
Desperate to be
Anywhere But Here,
To be Anyone but Me-
Sex would make it better-
A drink or two would make it go away,
You only have a problem if you
Can’t Stop;
But what if you Can’t Stop
The venom from being spat,
From talking too loud at your
Best friends rehearsal dinner,
From selling yourself short just because that’s
How you came up when it was time to pay the price?
Does it really Matter
How many Drinks you had?
Regardless of whether or not you like the taste,
Or whether or not you can go a day
Without having alcohol pass your lips
And not be shaking with cravings
What does the drink do to you?
I’ve seen what it does to me-
Though I’m not an alcoholic,
This story equals a drinking problem,
And it’s possible to still write Sober,
To create masterpieces without blacking out-
Would you believe that sometimes
What you make
Comes out Better
Once you go through
Without the wine, or the taste of a good brew?
I talked too loud at my best friends rehearsal dinner,
Challenged the Best Man to a game of the Dozens,
Then wondered why she didn’t like me.
I Crushed the rose petal evening
Beneath stilettos I couldn’t walk in-
No, I am not an alcoholic.
But this is
Why
I don’t drink.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for this, Malika. As a recovering alcoholic, I totally feel it.xxami

    ReplyDelete