30.30 vision~ after Angus Adair's 21 & 25

(opening line, a cheat, from my own #24, inspired by my friend angus's poem about "not getting over things fast enough," (his #25 & pt. 1 on his #21 ) in crude summation)

to say i still miss
is just to say i will always

that's what forever is

what was once present
leaves a human shape
stains
microfilms
i can close my eyes
play a song
recreate

i live as a fish
swimming in one direction
as a cat with a correct way to be touched

this is how we live
together
suffering the pasts
haunting us from other directions

my heart knows dates on calendars
birthdays
last time seens
the day the news came
how it sank in slowly steaping
the arrivals and the breaks
the intersections and the ruptures
deaths declared
the phase of the moon at burial

i couldn't forget if i tried
heavy as a cedar chest

sometimes there is no getting over
only through
a navigation of shark jaws
cling to the anecdotes
the tiny turn of mouth
a story about corn in rumble seats
the feel of park wood on spine with head between thighs
nervous tics
laughter
these are what will remain in slow motion
in slumber
and the comfort of dreams

i can hardly believe i ever knew
i can never believe how time is cut
by cleavers of watch arms

"you know what i am jealous of?
i am jealous of those of you who knew ____
longer, better"
says the man across a table
and my heart echos that pang
greedy green monster that it is, i know
no marathon is as kudzu
overgrown
enough.

i resent the lamp, the books
the ink, the ashtray
the blanket holding scent
the owl's impenetrable stare
hardness of objects existing
without the hands of owner
the scraps to witness my sorrow

i want to break everything

mourning
doesn't end
for some of us
a muscle memory of arms

my ribcage is a wind chime of lockets
my skin the shrink wrap to hold feelings too big
from leaking out all over the sidewalk
the cutting board
the kitchen

my mermaids, angels, tricksters
selkies, crones, vixens
wolves and tree limbs
my sweet ghosts of gone
i am failure
i will never live up
to your shadows
i can only rattle with you
in my breath